It was one of those days again, Weston was gone at work, and I was with the kids feeling overwhelmed. Every day I was waking up with a goal to be a better Mom, one who never raised her voice and only talked sweetly and waited patiently on her kids while teaching them to be good citizens in this world by example of course. But once again, I was about to fail. I sent Sage to her room and remembered the words from the blessing my husband gave me counseling me that the Lord wanted to help me, but couldn't unless I asked. It was the second time a blessing shared those words of advice with me.
I was so confused by them. Help with what? I didn't have a performance, I wasn't trying out for anything, no big decisions were coming up...so I just brushed it off, but in that moment I suddenly realized what the Lord wanted to help me with. As a Mother I was trying to do it alone. I was waking up each day, sending my husband off to work and then trying to conquer ABC's, naps, fruits and vegetables, teaching my child to clean up after herself or to be nice to people, and trying to be patient with it all ALONE.
I recorded in my journal, " There are things I need help with though. I need help in my marriage, I need help as a Mother, I need help as a friend and servant. I need help when I am babysitting other people's kids. I need help trying to stay motivated to exercise, I need help keeping my house cleaned and organized, I need help with budgeting, etc...the list goes on and on. Why am I so emotional? I have tears coming out of my eyes right now. I just realized I have been trying to do these things all alone and I REALLY DO NEED HELP. I feel overwhelmed everyday and I don't end up getting anything done because my overwhelmedness makes me want to hide from it all. It would be so nice for some help. I am going to get on my knees and start praying for help!! I am not going to be afraid anymore. Well actually I do feel a little afraid, I just don't want to bug the Lord with my burdens. I know this sounds dumb but I feel like I was annoying to Him because I used to ask for so much and so I backed off. I need help even praying for help, sheesh!"
As I reflected on this experience and how the Lord saved me in that exhausting moment with my daughter, I realized, He spoils me. He gives me pretty much everything I have ever asked for (including the LONG list of things I prayed for in a future husband). I remember praying that my roommate would be free to go to Salt Lake with me and her plans opened and we went together.
When I had Reuben, I prayed that my neighbors living downstairs would be quiet, I wouldn't have heartburn during labor, my midwife would come on time, and my husband would be there and each of those things played out the way I hoped they would during my labor, it was wonderful.
I prayed that I would be able to lose weight on my own without being constricted to a diet and he healed my mind from the food addiction that I was chained to.
I prayed each time we moved that I would make friends and I have every time. I prayed for comfort and He sent me peace, I remember praying to be able to find my church shoes when I was a little girl and He took me right to them seconds later (they were lost for weeks). I guess what I am realizing is that He wants to help me, He wants to spoil me with things that matter and with things that don't matter.
I feel bad for anyone who doesn't believe He is there. I wanted to share this experience because I know I am not alone. I have felt His love so much in my life and it's because I have included Him and I NEED to include Him. He takes time out of His busy schedule for me, when I take time for Him. He has improved me. I love Him.
|I had this picture by my mirror as a young women. I love Him.|